HUMOR---funny pictures and jokes!

Jokes: Get ready to laugh out loud---or at least smile---or maybe grin a little----I hope!

Murphy Laws for Frequent Flyers:

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two most unkempt passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated across the aisle.

9. The child who cannot keep from kicking the seat with his feet is seated behind you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring onboard.

New York Family:

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Susie-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Susie-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.  "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None survived the branding!"

Shocked:

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. During one lazy afternoon they began talking about their racing records. One of them began to boast about his track record. "Ive won eight of my last sixteen races!" Another horse said, "Well, I've won twenty out of my last twenty-seven races! "Oh, that's good, but out of my last thirty-seven races, I've won thirty-two!" bragged yet another horse. At this point, they noticed that a greyhound had been listening. "I don't mean to boast," said the grey horse, "But I've been listening to your record. I have to say that I've won eighty-nine out of my last ninety-one races!" The horses were clearly amazed. "Wowwwwww! said one after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"

Hurt Feelings:

At the fair, Marge loved the Ferris wheel, but Fred didn't, so Marge went by herself. the wheel went round and round. Suddenly there was an accident, and the wife was thrown out. she landed in a heap at her husband's feet. He ran over and asked, "Are you hurt?"    "Of course, I'm hurt!" "Tell me, is there anything broken?" he asked anxiously. "No, nothing's broken." "Then how are you hurt?" With tears in her eyes she blurted, "I went around three whole times, and you didn't wave to me once!"

Medical History (Sarah and Abraham can relate to this one!)f

A ninety-five-year-old woman had a baby, thanks to medical technology. she agreed to be interviewed by many local media companies and agreed that they would all come one afternoon to meet her and the little one. That afternoon local and national newspaper and TV companies invaded her house. The small cottage was overrun with relatives and reporters. After interviewing the new mom, the interviewers asked to see the baby. "Not yet," answered the new mother. After more questions, the reporters again asked to see the new baby. "Not yet," sweetly replied the new mother. "Well," complained the reporters, "when can we see the baby?" "When she cries, "I forgot where I put her."

A visit to the Dr.

Whenever I accompanied my aunt on her visits to the Dr. she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. It seemed inevitable that---no matter when she scheduled her appointment---she'd have to wait.   One day when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," explained the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and forty-five minutes."

Medical Instructions:    A man went to the Dr. and told him he wasn't feeling well. the Dr. examined him, left the room and came back with three bottles of pills.   He told the patient. "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Just before going to bed take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled at being put on so much medicine, the man stammered. "My goodness Dr., what exactly is my problem?" The Dr. replied, "You're not drinking enough water!"

The South - You Gotta Love It:

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

Kids' lyrics:

* "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb."

* "O Susanna, O don't you cry for me, for I come from Alabama with a Band-Aid on my knee!"

* "Give us this day our deli-bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

* "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."

Chuckle with children:

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old." he replied.

Female logic:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time" she said to her mother.

"I can't read, I can't write; and they won't let me talk"

Funny quarrel:

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, a young man cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, romance. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door, his parents close behind.

Didn't you hear what I said: I don't want you to stop me!"

"Who's stopping you? replied his parents. "We're going with you."

Teenage priority:

Two teenage boys were arrested for public nuisance when they were found smoking in the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call since he was unable to reach any parent.

Some time later, a man entered the station and asked for the boys name.

The desk officer said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?"

"Nope" the chap replied, "I'm just here to deliver the pizza they ordered."

Sporting Jokes:

1. Two backpackers see a bear about to charge them. One backpacker takes off his hiking boots and puts on running shoes. His companion says, "You'll never outrun the bear---why are you putting those one?" The guy with the running shoes responds, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you."

2. A guy takes his boy tiger hunting. They're creeping through the weeds and the man says, "Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, "Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?"

3. First Football player: Hey, Tiny: Gimme the answer to that third on on page two. The fill in the blank, Old McDonald had a what?

Second Football player: Farm, you dummy.

First Football player: Oh, right. Farm. How do you spell it?

Second Football player: E-I-E-I-O

4. Five doctors went duck hunting one day: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came wining overhead. The GP raised his shotgun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, "I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon was the only one who shot. BOOM! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck!"

5. Why was the team called a Cinderella team?

They kept running away from the ball.

Money Voices

(A clean little Johnny joke)

Little Johnny's father wanted to cure his son of gambling. He asked the boy's principal for help. The next day the principal called the boy's father. "I think I have cured your son of gambling," he said.

"How did you do it?" asked Johnny's father.

"Well, he looked at my beard and said, 'Sir, is that beard real or false?  I wouldn't mind betting five dollars that is is false.'

'Al right,' I replied. 'I'll take your bet. Now pull it and

see.' Of course, my beard is real," said the principal. "He had to pay me five dollars, so I'm sure that will cure him of gambling."

"Oh, no!" groaned the father. "Last night he bet me ten dollars that you'd let him pull your beard!"

Kid quickies: "What'll you do when you are as big as your father?

"Diet," replied the young boy.

(this is really dumb):

Following Dr.'s orders:

"A patient visited her doctor. "Doctor, it's been one month since my last visit, and I still feel miserable."

"Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?"

"Absolutely. The bottle specifically said, 'Keep tightly closed."

(this is even dumber still...so beware!)

Giddyap

"Doctor," Esther begs the psychiatrist, "you've got to help my husband. He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours; he eats hay!"

"I'm sure I can help him, but it will cost a lot of money."

"Money is no object---he's already won two races!"

Too much:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

"Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years....say, a red Corvette?" asked the interviewer.

"Wow! Are you kidding? exclaimed the recruit.

"Yeah," admitted the interviewer, "but you started it."

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Moses on His Walkie-Talkie

Nine year old Kyle was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They send bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now Kyle, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,

"Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you."

Scripture? replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

Show-and-Tell ( think I've posted this joke before, but it's still cute!)

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to b ring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin. I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm Catholic and this is a rosary."

The third student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Nathan. I'm Baptist and this is a casserole."

Bulletin Bloopers

"The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

Old Standby Jokes from the book; "Pretty Good Joke Book."

1. Did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman? Yeah, their kids aren't much to look at either.

2. Excuse me, does this bus go to Smithtown?

No, this bus goes beep beep.

3. Did you hear Willie Nelson got hit by a car?

He was playing on the road again.

4. What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?

I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.

5. Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?

Where's My Paper?

For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

'Where Is My Paper?'

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'

Honor Thy:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Are We Poisonous?

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"

"Why, yes we are", says the second.

Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"

"Yes, we are very poisonous."

The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really poisonous?"

"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my lip!!!"

Amazing Dog:

One day at a meat shop a dog walks in and the butcher shoos him away. About 5 minutes later he comes back with $10 and a note saying “2lbs of steak” surprised the butcher reluctantly takes the money and hands him a bag with the meat.

As the dog left the butcher closed down the shop and decided to follow it. The dog gets to the bus stop and waits. A few buses pass and the dog ignores them still not eating the meat. Finally bus 923 arrives and the dog pulls a ticket out of its collar, gives it to the driver and hops on.

The dog does this for about 3 more buses and the man follows him every time. The dog got off of the last bus and began to walk still not have eaten the meat. Finally the dog walks up to a house and sets the meat down.

The dog backs up and charges and slams into the door. He does this about twice. Finally a man opens the door and starts yelling at the dog calling him stupid and retarded.

The butcher finds this horrible so he talks to the man and says “STUPID?! This dog went to my shop, paid for meat and took it on a series of buses finding his way back home perfectly. HOW IS HE STUPID??!”

The man then replied saying “Yes, that’s all great but he forgot the key the 3rd time this week!”

Priest and the Crooks

One time three very bad people felt guilty for the different crimes they committed and went to a church to ask god forgiveness. There, they found a priest.

So all three of them went to the priest. The first crook said "Oh, Father! I have killed an innocent man and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and told the crook "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". The Father pointed toward a fountain with sparkling water. The first crook went and drank the water. "The water tastes weird" he said and went away.

The second crook came to the priest and said "Oh, Father! I have stolen alot of money from many people and now I am feeling very guilty! Please ask god to forgive me!" The priest murmured a blessing and said "God has forgiven you my son, and now go and drink the water from the well of purity". So the second crook went and drank the sparkling water in the fountain. "This water tastes funny", he said and went away.

Now only the third crook remained. "What is it that you did wrong, my son?" the priest asked. With an uneasy look the last crook said,"I peed in the well".

Walking on Water

There once was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi fishing in a boat together.

One day, the priest said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and took a drink from a booth on the beach.

The next day, the minister said, "I'm thirsty," and stepped out of the boat. He then walked on water and also took a drink from a booth on the beach.

On the third day, the rabbi said, "I'm thirsty". But as soon as he stepped out of the boat, he drowned.

The minister looked at the priest and said, "Think we shoulda told him where the rocks were?"

Sermon Preparation:

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me," the father answered.

The boy replied, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Pastor sent for healing:

A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boys turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, "hows your hearing now''.

"I don't know.. it's not till Friday," replied the boy.

More Fun Biblical Humor:

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
Little prophet.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'   (oh, that's bad!)

"KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!
Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

Inserts:

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

When I sing, people clap their hands---over their ears.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

This sign was posted in a Grand Rapids furniture store; "Try Our Easy Payment Plan----100 percent Down----Nothing Else to Pay."

I just received a new state quarter. It's two dimes and a nickel taped together.

If Cain and Abel were Siamese twins, would the be Cable?

On the first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Last night I dreamed I was a muffler---I woke up exhausted!

Why is it that rain drops, but snow falls?

Birthdays are good for you---the more you have, the longer you live. (duh!)

How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Want a sure-fire way to get your kids to play with their old toys? Have a garage sale!

You know it's going to be a bad day when:

1. Your turn on the news, and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

2. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

3. Your income tax check bounces.

4. You put both contacts in one eye (I've done that).

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Dilberts Rule of Order:

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Funny quotes:

If Noah had been wise, he would have swatted those two flies!

There are two ways to reach the top of an oak tree---you can climb it, or you can sit on an acorn and wait! (hummm--and for quite some time, I might add--not a good plan!

Only in America:

* Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

* Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

* Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke!

* Do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

* Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

* Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!